I finally received my licensure application in the mail. I'm almost done filling it out, so it should be mailed out sometime this week (I hope). Due to taking this next step, I resumed looking for other positions within and outside the company. As much as I like the kids and enjoy my coworkers, I feel the urge for a change. I'm starting to feel burnout, which isn't a good sign. I also didn't see myself working with kids or with a partial care program for the rest of my life.

I've been looking around at hospitals, mental health agencies, and such. I hope I find something once I get my license physically in my hands. It would be nice to expand my resume to doing things other than groupwork.

I got an email forwarded from someone at work about the licensing test I'm taking this Friday. This is what it said:

The intro:
Uh oh…

This is good friend of mine...

Read below…

Her friend's email:

I failed first time, got a 74!!!! 75 needed to pass in NYS. Is Jersey different? Its’ not hard just that I don’t test well and was sooo nervous. You’’ be fine. Take a prep class, one or two day because they condense it down and highlight what statistically is always asked on the exam.

I think she was trying to give words of encouragement that I'll do fine. However, telling me her friend failed the first time , isn't very helpful to my sanity. (I need a 75 to pass, too.) >=(

A few of my coworkers noted that this person has a tendency to do/say before she thinks. I feel like I should tell her, but I don't think it's my place. Personally, I like her a lot. She's kind, helpful, and sociable. However, I don't want her to go work somewhere else in the human services field, and rub a bunch of people the wrong way professionally. =?

Lately, it feels like there hasn't been much in my life worth posting. I know a few things have happened, but I can't seem to remember anything. =?

Work's okay. I'm pushing myself more and more to move out of my comfort zone. I'm taking more initiative to handle the kids who really push my buttons. Though I'm not always successful (in my mind), I haven't broken any of them. Heh. Always a good thing. State reviewers are coming next month to look at our program, so we're all pretty high strung about that.

I finally received my diploma in the mail. Officially a Masters graduate. =) I scheduled my license exam for next Friday as well, which makes me feel really worried. I keep telling myself it'll be fine and I'll pass, but I hate taking tests. Going to the gym would relieve some of my anxiety, if I wasn't still fatigued from a slight case of the flu earlier this week. *sigh* I just have to keep reviewing. I know what I'll be doing this weekend.

I think I'll be a bundle of raw nerves until I take it next Friday. I hope the time I'll spend studying this weekend will help alleviate some of this stress. I think it'll do me some good to run around with the kids today, too.

I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's within my reach, but it's taking a while for me to get there.

I finally got a real start to my paper this weekend. I feel really good about it, but my pessimism is getting in the way. I know I tend to procrastinate on things I really dislike doing, this paper being no different. Unfortunately, it's causing a lot of anxiety in me, anxiety that's not founded on anything but my own fears of failure. I know I'll do fine. That's what others tell me; but, it's me that needs convincing.

I'm always worried about leaving something out, about not making sense, or about being seen as a screw up in some way. I know I'm not perfect, but I somehow feel like I have to be. It's something with which I've been struggling all my life. Assignments just exasperate this line of thinking for me, exaggerating it, and therefore making it all feel so overwhelming.

I know I'm almost in the clear. I can almost taste it. I just have to pull off this last task. I just need to try to get it done by Wednesday, so I can enjoy my Thursday off in peace and tranquility, instead of panic and annoyance with myself. I just keep having to push myself. Maybe pull an all-nighter for the next couple of days. I hope I can do this. I'm ready for it all to be done.

I'm still working on this stupid paper. It's my fault. I had very little motivation to get this done today, so I spent a lot of my time being productive elsewhere. Fortunately though, the afternoon was a little more productive.

I'm easily annoyed right now, but I'm not really sleep deprived. My emotions are running high. I feel alienated from everyone this week, and I feel it's my schoolwork's fault. Heh. I know. Inanimate objects cannot do anything of the sort, unless I let it. I guess I'm letting it. =P

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It's now 2:36am. I'm almost done with my paper due for Thursday. Two mini-sections and a conclusion, and I think I'm good for sleep. Stinks that I'll have to be up in a few hours anyway to get ready for class. Why, oh why doesn't my brain ever want to work on an early schedule??

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Now it's 3:27am. One more section, but my brain's fried. I have to get ready in about 3 hours to go to class. I didn't read for this class. I think I need to stop, and finish it later. I'll need to cut out some things because I'm already reaching my page limit. I have at least another 2 paragraphs to go.

Today's been a pretty nice and productive day. Despite the occasional bouts of anxiety about pending schoolwork and future encounters with the oppositional clients at work, I've been able to keep myself relatively calm and positive. Food creating, shopping, and house straightening helped with the anxiety. I got a lot of things done today.

I'm almost done with the Earl Grey chocolate truffles I promised to make for The Hubby's birthday, and I'll be baking his cookies shortly. I've been craving cookies all weekend, so this is good. =P

The dean of students for my masters program finally contacted me about my January graduation. There's a form I can fill out, but I'm still deciding on whether to have it mailed to me in my tiny mailbox, or to pick it up at my Registrar's. I'm so excited!

I went to A.C. Moore and I found some pretty good stuff I've been looking for to use for some presents. I'm getting into some simple jewelry-making, so I bought some elastic cord for bracelets. Hopefully I can figure out how to do what I want to do with it. I also bought some candy boxes for the truffles. =)

The Hubby will be home soon. I'm hungry. I want some pasta. =P

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If anyone can help me with a legal question:
For the past couple of years, I've used a creative moniker to label my creations: cards, candy boxes, crochet projects, etc. I've been thinking about it more and more, and I wonder if I should get a copyright on the name. I've been making so many things and using the name for them, it seems to make sense. I guess it would make the most sense to get a copyright if I decide to start selling some of the stuff I make because I don't want to step on any legal toes. Does anyone have any idea how I'd go about doing that? Would it make sense to do it, even I make small sales?

After much debating and pushing myself, I finally came to the decision that a full-time work schedule with school's too much. I initially felt guilty and disappointed that I couldn't do it, as so many others have done it before, but a little extra money is not worth my tears of stress and exhaustion. Especially in my line of work, seeing the case manager fall apart when you're trying to get yourself together isn't really conducive.

I talked it over with The Hubby, and after some initial frustration and disappointment, he's more understanding and supportive of the change. I also talked it over with my supervisor at work, and she's okay with it. We're looking over my schedule now to accommodate my cutback hours and the staffing schedule.

I feel so much lighter, like a humongous weight's been lifted. I know I have to take care of myself. I also know that the professional side of me that knows this fact still struggles with the personal side that's been raised to push to do it all. It's going to take a while to break that, but I'm hopeful it will happen sooner than later. I'm so grateful that I have so many supportive people in my life. I think I would've fallen apart ages ago if it weren't for them.

While updating myself on what's been going on with all my friends for the past month, I am reminded of how incredibly lucky I am to have what I have, and how pale my dilemmas seem in comparison. Everyone is going through their "stuff", and it seems as if the change in weather has made the "stuff" magnify times a bajillion. Being who I am, I've closed off my "vent" to others, and kept it all to myself. Well, except for the select few, The Hubby and my coworkers, who are supportive and empathic by nature (respectively).

My biggest stressor right now is school. I have one prof that seems to be singling me out, patronizes the class, and treats us like children. The other one just plain scares me. She has these expectations of the class, gives no directions on how to accomplish those expectations, and then nitpicks about actions incongruent with her expectations. I feel so tired from the stress that the little things they do piss me off and make me cry with frustration.

It's only been 4 weeks, and I feel very close to my wits end. However, the only thing that keeps me going is that I'll be done by December. *closes eyes and repeats it* I just have to lie low and be a "good girl" in both classes until then.

Ugh. Is it Friday yet??

The sequel to Sleepless in Seattle. /cheese

I've been having some trouble having full, restful sleep for the past few nights. I can't tell whether my body's telling me that I've had enough, or if my mind is telling me that there are too many thoughts in my head to stay asleep. =?

It's the 3rd full week of classes, and I'm still feeling exhausted and slightly anxious. I do about 12-hour work/class days at least 3 times a week, and it kinda stressing me out. On second thought, it not "kinda". It sucks. I can't wait until I'm done. I go to bed around 11 because I can't keep my eyes open, but I start my restlessness around 4:30 or 5am, waking up at about every half hour until I am up.  I'm trying to keep up with all my readings, but I seem to find myself falling behind more and more.

I try to get myself to just do the work and not complain, but somehow my mind can't stop recycling the thoughts. They make me more anxious, and then unmotivated to do any of the work unless I absolutely have to. On top of that, I hate doing homework reading. Policy and Research aren't my cup of tea. The Hubby illustrated this lack of motivation very well last night in this dialogue:

"Babe, that's too many shows!! How am I supposed to get any homework done when there are all these shows to watch?!?"

As a matter-of-factly, "It's not like you're doing it anyway."

*shock and laughter* "Yeah. You're probably right."

"Don't worry, I'm sure a few of them will suck."

0.o

Though it was funny last night, it's sadly true, and I need to get myself out of that habit, otherwise I'll end up crying with stress all semester. Can't have that. I think I'll need to call that psychologist now to whom I was referred. Maybe he can help me refocus myself and find other avenues of anxiety-relief  =?

I just found out this afternoon that my final exam for my evening class was pushed up to next Tuesday instead of 2 weeks from now. I would be ecstatic for ending the semester earlier if it weren't for the fact that my final paper for my noon class is due the very same day. *falls over*